Leaving the movie theater, I can’t get my father to walk ahead of me. He’s behind me to the left, then behind on my right. I can slow down, but he just slows down with me. As long as he’s behind me my brain signals danger. More specifically, it screams, “rape.”
It happens at home, too, as we navigate the narrow walkway around the kitchen island or the hallway, when I’m on the couch and he stands behind me to pat my back in affection. I love him and trust him utterly, but frequently to be near is to have my entire body retract. I had forgotten.
Several years ago, I shared my fear of being raped by a man with a therapist. It’s a fear I’ve carried in some form at least since my teens (my memory isn’t reliable much farther back than that). He suggested I overcome my fear of unwelcome, forced anal penetration by fantasizing about consensual male love. I tried once or twice, but as close as I’ve been able to come over the years is a recognition that stimulation of my prostrate could enhance sexual climax, but it’s not a man I want down there. (The right woman with the right equipment, perhaps?) And, yeah, you guessed it: my anxieties continued, reintroducing themselves situation by situation.
I’ve dreamed through the years about being overpowered and violated. And with apologies to my former therapist (who saw almost exclusively gay patients, thanks to our shared heavily-LGBT neighborhood) I’m virtually certain it’s not a fantasy introducing itself in predatory reverse.
A college professor I adored appeared in one of them, broad-chested (like my father) but dark-haired and black-eyed. He instructed the us — elementary-aged in the dream — in giving each other oral sex.
Interestingly, as a child of about eight or so I led my best friend into the closet and instructed him in oral sex. We were hairless, too young to have erections. I remember the taste of damp skin and pee. After, I never thought another thing about it. At least until he confided in me years later that it had scarred him deeply. I don’t have guilt about it (other than a regret that it hurt him), but I do wonder from time to time where the idea occurred to me to begin with: him standing and me kneeling before him, then changing places.
Long after my first extra-penile experience (but before my neighborhood therapist’s instruction in fantasy) a friend returned from the Big City. That’s where he had been introduced to cocaine and gay sex he told me after stopping the car in a moon-lit park on the way to dropping me off at my parent’s house after a night at the bar. He didn’t have any coke, but I remember being bored enough (not stimulated, curious, or any other number of possible reactions) to give him a chance.
We made out for a bit, his stubble irritating, uncomfortable. I went down to escape, almost instinctively. He moaned and offered compliments, but I felt nothing stir. I remember feeling dead in my actions, like a robot. Eventually it became obvious to both of us that I was not getting aroused. He kept searching for a sign; I kept not producing. He started the car again to take me home.
So here I am: Still not searching for signs, yet they keep appearing. They come from my affectionate to extremely uncomfortable interactions with my father. (My sexual response to my mother — because, obviously, I have to have one of those too… — is a fear that my sex organs are exposed. That is, that I’m vulnerable from the front.) And they continue arising in my dreams.
Yet another therapist provided possible insight during our one and only consultation. Immediately after introductions, he shot rapid-fire questions that I intuited were designed to knock me off balance, to access hidden knowledge while the patient presumably curled up in confusion. I shut down entirely, nearly ready to walk. In response, he asked me politely to draw a house.
Insulted, I drew quickly. The triangle roof. The big square. Smaller, subdivided boxes for windows. When I tossed the paper back to him, he smirked and pointed out I had failed to draw a door. How could we have an effective relationship if I couldn’t produce a door?
“So what’s the matter? Were you raped?”
I had no response. A blank stare.
“Did you see somebody raped?”
I broke down in tears instantly.
“That’s a different reaction, isn’t it?”
I never went back.
I am sorry you are struggling with this. I can only speak from my own experience and the female prospective. I have dissociative amnesia related to childhood trauma and while most of those memories are lost to my conscience mind on occasion they will leach their way in and reek havoc.It is liken to a giant jigsaw puzzle where there are always missing pieces so you never have the complete picture. I do hope you can kind some answers that will allow you to begin to heal.
You have not asked for my opinion and I feel as though I am imposing, however I think it may be good for you to know?
I have had several similar experiences. I was very experimental at an extremely young age as well. Unlike you, however, I did enjoy the company of either sex. I have found that my life is much simpler if I am heterosexual. So that I am.
On a different note, the subconscious speaking to the conscious mind does not always make sense. I have a severe anxiety about being paralyzed that is portrayed in my dreams the same way your fears are. I feel the danger approaching and my mind begins to try and translate it into something . . it understands. Something that is quite horrible.
It does not mean that maybe this happened. Rather, this is the most awful thing your mind can come up with to translate how terrible your fear makes you feel. That is my experience.
I have this fear because I have a sleeping disorder which causes paralyzation along with excessively lucid dreaming. It puts my nightmares to shame.
Perhaps the question is not if you have been or witnessed a rape. Rather, what is this fear your subconscious mind is trying to translate?
Please forgive any imposition. I hope your journey is going as well as you anticipated. It seems as if you are making progress.
that’s a good observation. thanks. and, yes. i can see that. and remain open to any outcome/explanation. just tracking things as they come. i wish you luck with the sleep stuff. i experienced something perhaps similar many years ago, but have no idea how i’d navigate if it were a regular event.
A childhood friend confided to me recently that he was raped by his grandfather. There was also emotional abuse that he admits he has repeated in his current relationships both with men and women. Despite going to therapists, he cannot figure out if he is gay or straight. His friendships all end up becoming sexual. Even when he isn’t attracted.
Reading your post I am reminded how catastrophic rape can be. It’s not just about the moment you are raped or the sexual encounters afterwards. It’s all relationships in your life that somehow become sexualized. I have to think that there must be a place in your mind where you go to feel good, to survive all this grief. As he does. For him it seems to be like a cracked window into a bright place that with therapy helps him see more light. I hope with your upcoming trials you will get to see more light, too.
Great post. Love your candor.
i’m not suffering so much from these thoughts/dreams. i’m more surprised it’s popped up again after so long. anyway, i do feel that all my relationships have been changed somehow bc of the way my body/brain interpret this stuff. everyone is suspect. boundaries have been an issue. i appreciate your good wishes.
That’s crazy about the therapist mocking you for not drawing a door. I wouldn’t go back there either. Hope you’re having better luck.
I got the sense (in those 40 minutes) that he was probably gifted, but definitely a bully.
In other words: his readability index was crap. ;)
Ha! Nice!
Dear D.N.
Thank you fo such a raw post. In my opinion, don’t stop writing. there’s so much I want to ask you.
you deserve love.
thank you!
I actually can really relate to this. I’ve never really enjoyed sex with men, even when I got married to one. It’s always made me feel like something is twisting up all the wrong ways. It was, socially, something I was expected to do, so I did it. Realizing and finally accepting my attraction to women has been very freeing. Long in coming, but freeing.
That aside, I still find myself enjoying gay (male) pornographic materials, despite my lack of interest in them on a real life basis. Even though when I do have dreams where I do have intercourse with men they usually they leave me out of sorts and a bit confused, that sick feeling comes back again.
If it’s a phobia for you, it is a phobia. It doesn’t need a reason. I tend to rate every man that I meet on a scale of threat to my person until I know them. It’s unfair of me, but it’s an ingrained response. I don’t FEAR men, I work very easily with them, but I do fear being attacked by one.
As a sensitive person you probably feel for survivors of rape. That compacted with the fact that it is a very carnal fear (Being controlled, being used, having your body act a way that you don’t want, being scarred, ect) could result in the phobia. There’s still this stigma, particularly with men who have been raped that they are “broken”, “less” or that their masculinity is in question. Given the past that you’ve talked about, situations that you were in could have felt beyond your control.
I suppose there is little point to this novel of a comment, other than I think I understand.
i appreciate that. we’re pretty amazing (ie. convoluted?) creatures, huh? i’ve wondered more than once if my emotions are sometimes intuited or absorbed from beyond myself. it sounds crazy, i know. but when i really go into my deep depression or panic, that is a truly a bottomless experience. it’s like i’m tapping into fears far beyond my own. oh, and the threat meter? i’ve got that, too. as a gender, i sort of hate men. ok, hate is too strong a word, but i do discriminate. … working on it.
I admire your incredible honesty and candidness. I am sure it must help in someway to put words on a page. You also write in a clear, lucid manner. All the best, Larry
thanks, Larry. i don’t know if it helps. while i’ve written in different capacities for some time, this time is slightly different. this is my first self-focused blog, for one. it’s also the first time i’ve written about these topics before, in most cases. i don’t know what lies before me but i do feel some pressure today to put it all out there while i have the chance. (i’d hate to leave my family with nothing put these jangling journals and creased, less-than-loving poems to go by, if you know what i mean.) i don’t have the discipline or patience or solicitude or whatever it is to plod away on a book behind a closed door. not now. not while this process winds on. however, popping these suckers out in 600-word nuggets, without having to worry about overall structure or effective transitions? it’s … helpful. glad to be connected.
A beginning of a book . . . .
:)
This was very provocative; thank you for that! I tend to agree with a couple of the commenters above me… that a phobia is a phobia and it doesn’t have to have a reason. I do appreciate your intensity in seeking out truths and explanations within yourself, and I feel privileged to watch your (beautifully written) documentation of that journey. Keep writing, I’ll keep reading.
couldn’t comply with your request (yet) today. calling today my “lost day.” but i appreciate your thoughts.
i was molested in my teens. i wonder sometimes if it’s the reason i find a disconnect with sex. my body wants it sometimes and yet often i go somewhere else when engaging in it. after a time where i felt raped by my close friend, anytime i had sex after i felt raped again. for a long time i tried to be ugly, and shyed away from male contact completely. never really worked. it’s gotten better but it still surfaces in my current relationship. sometimes i wonder if wounds ever heal.
i don’t think so. but somehow we come to peace with the pain. that’d be my guess. it will be interesting to find out.
that sounds better than we just get used to it.
It’s interesting what you write about. I’m glad you share your thoughts openly. It’s refreshing to see that.
Have you ever experimented with BDSM? In many ways, people can work out and heal personal history, anxieties, trauma and power struggles through bdsm practices. Bdsm practices help many abuse survivors reclaim their own power in a safe and loving bdsm partnership (emphasis on safety, consensuality and mutuality).
http://www.pandys.org/articles/BDSM_healing.htm
I know it’s something you just can’t up and do, but there’s a lot of people who engaged in bdsm as a way to work through some of their stuff (and there’s also been abuse of that too).
And, for adults with sensory dysfunction, bdsm practices provide a much needed “sensory diet”.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sensory-integration-clues-behind-sexual-dysfunction/
“I see sensory integration dysfunction as one of the missing links in addressing and managing sexual concerns, particularly for people who also have a diagnosis of ADHD or ADD; or Asperger’s Syndrome or another autism spectrum condition; or any other pervasive developmental condition where sensory dysfunction often occurs. However, some people simply experience sensory integration problems which are not co-morbid.”
From some minor personal experience, I have to agree with both ideas.
Casey
i have little to no experience w/ BDSM, despite how popular ‘bondage pants’ were back in the day. maybe something to explore after this clinical trial. (you provide so much good reading material.)
I became interested in the therapeutic benefits of BDSM after talking with a friend of mine who used it as part of her anxiety management. She was seeing a therapist who was kink-friendly and supported her use of it as one of her self-care ‘tools’.
But I admit, it’s hard to take something seriously that’s been portrayed as either really creepy or as a joke (thanks to movies).
I started talking to a few trusted internet friends about it, and came to find out that those who take it seriously, who care about themselves and care for their partners can use it with success.
I do believe that many of our emotional and psychological blocks need to be worked out physically. Traumatic memories are often trapped in our body tissues that one can’t just talk over.
Oftentimes, there’s a transcription error when we record traumatic memories so that we don’t actually have a cohesive narrative of what happened to us. We have the shocking event, but due to the massive stress on our minds, the mind can’t retain it in proper sequence or context, and yet the body stores the memory of what happened. And especially if something happened before we became verbal, we don’t even have the language to properly encode what happened to us even if we could. But the body stores these loose bits of information.
Any plan to heal from trauma ought to include a physical modality/bodywork. Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing, Somato-Emotional Release (a form of Craniosacral therapy), EFT (emotional freedom technique), Myofascial Release are some of the kinds of therapy that can be used to address emotions trapped in our body tissues.
You can read up about tissue memory and why bodywork might be an essential tool for recovering from trauma here:
http://www.owningpink.com/blogs/owning-pink/how-to-release-trauma-through-body-work
“So, how does a therapist unlock these memories held within the physical body? Cutler states that there are techniques called “myofascial unwinding” that can help to locate and physically free “the restrictions in muscle and surrounding fascial tissue that house traumatic memories. As a skilled therapist holds and unwinds these tissue tensions, memories may surface and release, causing the body to spontaneously “replay” body movements associated with the memory of the trauma. This release initiates relaxation, unlocking the frozen components of the nervous system. Such a shift marks the reconnection of the brain with the tissue housing the trauma, allowing transformation and healing to ensue.”
I can tell you that some of these techniques aren’t cheap and skilled therapists aren’t easy to find. My husband is now a massage therapist who’s studying Craniosacral therapy and Somato-Emotional Release and I can tell you, that I’ve had some really cathartic emotional experiences as a result of his work on me. But I also know craniosacral therapists charge anywhere from $50-$125 for a session. I know if my husband wasn’t in training for this, I wouldn’t be able to afford it.
But in the absence of that, I think bdsm works therapeutically because it, like these other physical modalities, makes one more aware of body sensations, more fully present and re-connected to one’s body again, and releases some of those stored body memories in the process, and cathartic release is possible.
And beyond the therapeutic aspects of bdsm, some of those methods are just plain fun. ;)
I’ve known couples who’ve been married a long time who have incorporated it into their lives as a way of keeping their love life more novel. And if you think about being with someone for 15, 20 years or more, exploring this area together can actually bring the couple closer, especially due to the trust involved and whatever loving aftercare is provided.
Casey
Okay so I work with Juvenille Sex Offenders all of whom are male as a caretaker (not as a professional although I am a student of psychology). Most of the boys I work with have been abused as well as becoming abusers. So maybe because I work with this population it’s easy for me draw lines to dots that maybe aren’t connected at all. But maybe you were sexually abused as a child. You may know some of this from your experience with your wife but I’m going to write it anyway.
It may not have been your father but it could have been someone you viewed with that sort of regard. A father figure, someone else in your family. When a child is sexually abused the most common response isn’t just fear or hurt or anger. It’s confusion. The reason for this is the other role the abuser plays for you in everyday life, maybe it’s a babysitter or aunt or uncle or even an older sibling or a friend. No matter who it is it’s usually someone who helps you meet your needs whether they be physical (food, shelter, safety) or emotional (friendship, acceptance and I’ll say safety again). It becomes an association in the victim’s mind to pair abuse and affection. This explains hyper sexuality among sexual abuse victims. The other association made is power, the abuser has the power of the victim often they have manipulated the victim to stay silent. So if your father embodies these attributes of power and affection maybe that’s why he triggers you to have these dreams or possibly memories.
The fact that you engaged in sexual activity at a pretty young age like that is concerning. Your behavior as an 8 year old wasn’t abusive, it was what the experts term hetero-social. If you were abused around that age then you were merely experimenting, kids make schema’s quickly much of the play at that age is role-playing whether it’s playing house or playing work, it’s playing adult, so maybe you just thought that’s what people do.
The main thing is victims of sexual abuse feel ashamed and shame leads to negative thought patterns and that often leads to depression.
But then that leads to the next question which is how much of any of that matters? Even if you do recover some repressed memory how does recovering that memory help you heal? I’m hoping to start graduate school this coming Fall for Counseling, maybe they’ll teach me there.
i hope you get into that program. you are right on the money. i’ll keep writing what i remember but, yeah, not sure it matters what exactly happened (or didn’t). leaning too hard on memories, pushing myself, leads to bad things for me. i know that now w/o a doubt. by cutting out all the extra anxiety that comes w/ this mental memory struggle i’ve actually made a lot of progress in simply being happy day to day. i hope others read and are helped by your comment here. thanks!