My answer befuddles my ex-wife. Wasn’t the one she was expecting.
I’m doing good. OK. “About 70 percent of the day,” I say, talking into the phone’s imperceptible microphone as I drive back from the nature park where I’ve been letting the two dogs — my support group — run in the wind and sun.
“And you’re off your Klonopin?” she asks. An incredulous tint betrays her skepticism.
Yeah, it strikes me finally. And for days. Weird, huh?
E. was the one who reminded me about the power of pills when I really needed to hear it. She gave me permission, so to speak, to return to the pharmacological collage after a revived tsunami of anxiety and depression ran head-long into my cerebral swamp of uncertainties.
“Why do you think that is?”
Good question. Why hasn’t a steady round of panic attacks and suicidal depression followed the subtraction of my lithium, Wellbutrin, Prozac, and Klonopin? Why hasn’t the me of summer 2012 returned as I’d been expecting?
The last time E. and I had talked meds I was an existential mess. My brain chemistry had started going through wild swings due to my decision to take myself off Prozac and Klonopin in late 2011. And my thinking — a shifting, tangled heap of deepening work dissatisfaction and near-constant ruminations over my religious convictions (or lack thereof) and life’s increasingly imperceptible purpose – was primed for the perfect storm.
In early 2012 she started coaching me to get help. It would take nearly three months to get into a shrink and get a prescription. I grit my teeth and kept marching to and from work. It was a long three months. By the time I got my tube of little white tablets I had totally forgotten how strong and fast a good dose of Klonopin could be. And I had forgotten how much better being slightly stoned at a work meeting was compared to the range of desperate emotions that kept me shuttering myself at home as I literally clawed the floors and walls in “prayer” begging for divine aid as thoughts of death corrupted my mind’s internal hard drive.
If I’ve ever come to believe with certainty that there is absolutely nothing but what we think there is, it was during this time.
E. heard me at my worst, in tears in the dark buried at home or running from work to an isolated corner down the road to catch my breath. I described feelings she well understood. She herself has been on something ever since she started having destabilizing flashbacks of childhood abuse, about a year or two before we got married. That must be 15 or 20 years by now.
So what am I doing being better? She was right to be skeptical.
It’s true that I’m crazy vulnerable right now, emotionally naked even, hyper-sensitive, and definitely, as they say, at risk. I’m easy pickings for any errant triggering thought that may amble through. But the me of 2012 hasn’t returned in force, I think, because I’ve adopted an intentionally delimited lifestyle.
I’m eating. At home I could hardly bring myself to cook and the dishes were always overflowing the sink. I skipped many meals. But since I’m at my parents’ and my mom still enjoys cooking, self-nourishment issues are almost non-existent. Oh, and no coffee (stimulant) or booze (depressant).
I sleep in. Or sleep until I wake naturally. And I take naps most days. (Even if my folks tease me for it, I know it’s an important part of recovery. Under this stoic outer wrapping my nervous system is going through the paces, for sure.)
I’m busy. Or at least I try to keep myself busy writing and reading (when I’m not sleeping and eating). With no job to go to and no friends in my life to entertain, I have more than a few hours every day that need attention. This blog is big part of that.
I walk the dogs. That’s about 30 minutes of a raised heart rate every day — even when we don’t go to the nature park. Helps.
I don’t over-think anything. (Or I try not to.) This is the big kahuna. As long as I’m awake, I find, I have to watch my thoughts. Now that I’ve been de-drugged they move a lot faster, too, in more sophisticated, frequently provocative, fashion.
As most depressives know, all it takes is one insignificant-seeming judgment to attract (and maintain) our attention for a few mintues and we’re looking at a possible serious depressive episode. One of those will put me out of commission for a day easy, and the mental pounding of that typically spills over to color a day two or three, as well.
So, yeah, I’ve been good. But not for no reason. And it doesn’t mean I’m not sick anymore. I am. I feel it constantly: my brain chomping at the bit to let it really open up and run — every prompt from the deep of my subconscious possible gold.
Yeah, brain. Like I’d ever let that happen.
Thank you so much for your like on my blog post. Your blog is good :)
thanks!
:) anytime <3
‘…compared to the range of desperate emotions that kept me shuttering myself at home as I literally clawed the floors and walls in “prayer” begging for divine aid as thoughts of death corrupted my mind’s internal hard drive.’
This bit of brilliance deserved reiteration! It’s so exactly what severe depression feels like. Wishing you success with your procedure.
thanks so much.
Glad to hear you are doing well without meds. It’s so strange to compare ourselves to past selves. Rarely are we the same as we were. Different external stimuli combined with whatever we learned from previous episodes and the differences in our constantly changing body chemistry, etc. Situations can be reminders and possible triggers, but our reactions could be totally different. Thanks for the post. Makes us fellow depressives think positive for the moment, imagining a future med free and ok..
:-)
yeah. that’s a really interesting point. i’ve gone into periods of my life, periods of sickness or drink, and locked away certain convictions or messages for when I come around. sort of glorified dont’-forget-to-take-out-the-trash sort of messages. but inevitably the messages i’ve tucked away for later action doesn’t fit the person i am around the bend. there’s a period of readjustment and translation or something. i’m glad you like the blog, thanks for the potential material for another post. ;)
Anytime. Communicating about issues from different perspectives is what this is all about right? :-)
Well written! I would be so nervous to be off my meds. But in a way, I want to be off of them. Maybe things won’t be as bad as I remembered. But right now I’m making some big, positive life changes. I am hoping they will act as a powerful antidepressant on their own.
just make sure that when you’re ready to do it, do it supervised. i fell on my ass for months cuz i didn’t have a network in place.
Oh my gosh! I loved this read. You are so good at describing things that I cannot yet put into words. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I nominated you for a Beautiful Blogger Award. If you accept then just go to http://janineyork.wordpress.com/2013/02/09/beautiful-blogger-award/ and follow the instructions. Thanks again for putting it out there. You just don’t know how much it means. I am following closely. Tomorrows the big day huh?
note sure how the dam burst. i haven’t been able to write about my depression like … ever. things started to change a couple months back. big day is monday. ;)
i don’t know anything about the BBAs, other than seeing them on some sites. much appreciated. i’ll check it out.
I am lost, I thought today was Sunday haha! Yes check it out. You really deserve it. You have helped me so much with your words and introspection.
Thank you for writing what I can not. Stuck in a time where I can not take anything, my mouth almost salivating at the thought of taking meds and them working at least to take the edge of these intense emotions that come so uninvited. It helps me so much just to read that someone gets it and that I’m not alone in what seems to be such an isolating experience.
i am glad you find comfort here. i’m only recently finding connections with those who have been there too and can understand. best.
Same here on the connections.
Your post almost mirrors my experiences with the illness. Thanks for sharing.
It was good to read all this, and the comments. You are doing well!
thanks. it’s a curious process.
So glad to hear you are doing better. Climbing out of the clutches of dark depression is a difficult process and one that takes incredible strength to fight the mind’s will. I know how welcoming these kind of days (weeks/months/years) can be.
Your ability to describe the hell of depression is truly fascinating. I’ve sat in my groups, shared experiences, but all the while struggle to accurately describe how I feel. I think I could describe how I feel, I just couldn’t explain WHY I feel the way I do. There is rarely any sensible reason for my feelings of dread and doom, so I most often just sit alone in that place until I can figure out how to beat the cunning methods of my mind again.
Kudos to you for such a break through. Enjoy these days!
thank you. apparently it doesn’t stop when we go to bed. incredibly triggering dream left me asking a lot of questions this morning. what happened/what was the dream? all my conscious reactions were treating it like reality and gathering steam… another post perhaps. glad the posts seem useful.
I think dreams are a means for our subconscious to speak to our conscious minds. As I’ve mentioned, most often I have night terrors. Every once in a while, I’ll go a few months and my dreams will be nice, comforting, leaving me feeling rested. But, the rest of the time, I fight sleep, but once there I find the battlefield there to be exhausting. I wake and I’m so tired from the fighting and fear and it adds to the depression.
I do use my dreams to determine what is really eating at me. I”m a stuffer, I stuff and forget. The only way through depression is through healing, so eventually it is my dreams that provide the road map back to a safer place.
I wonder what would have happened if the type of help you sought was with an existential therapist or existential life coach, trained to recognize and navigate meaning crises, and not a pill dispenser.
Existential depression requires different handling. Pills don’t really address the underlying crises of meaning. Even if you were to put the brain chemistry in balance, if you have no outlet for creative meaning-making and can’t express your talents in ways that you find personally satisfying, you still have a big problem on your hands.
One modern-day existential therapist I know of is Irvin Yalom, though he’s getting on in years. Fortunately he’s written a lot of great books – many of which I’ve read. I’m fond of his Staring at the Sun – Overcoming the Terror of Death. Sometimes it takes some thought experiments to confront and slay the mental dragons we carry around with us. But we’ve never been taught how, and we are surrounded by many who have no concept of existential crises. All they know is that our struggles are inconveniencing them. It’s a sad state of affairs, if you ask me.
I wrote a post about it here:
http://thesprightlywriter.wordpress.com/2010/12/28/irvin-yalom-on-minimizing-existential-depression/
Alex Pattakos also wrote a book called Prisoners of Our Thoughts as a practical application of VIktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. Viktor Frankel was a survivor of the Holocaust and created logotherapy – in order to share what he learned about his ordeal the resilience of the human spirit.
Then there is creativity coach Eric Maisel, who has written a lot of good books regarding depression (Rethinking Depression, The Van Gogh Blues). He provides an ‘existential program’ in order to help with crises of meaning.
I don’t know what you did in your former career, but you are clearly gifted at writing. You’ve got 468 followers in the few months you’ve been writing (I think it’s been only a few months, right?). If your future meaning-making efforts don’t include writing, that would be a great loss.
that’s fascinating and new territory for me. yes. that would have been huge. i know it’s not behind all of my suffering, but it really is such questions that are at the root. my mom frequently goes back to frankl’s book and i just shared pattakos’ title w/ her. thank you for sharing your thoughts here. i have a lot of reading to do. ;)
I’m so glad you are sharing your experiences here. I’ve been enjoying reading your blog a lot. I have a tendency toward depression, and can identify with much of what you write here. Though–thankfully (or maybe not)–my most severely depressed moments have always been triggered by external events. A death or a monstrously bad thing happens and I feel very much like you describe for a few months, but in time I recover. I am trying to figure out how that compares with the depression I see my family members wrestling with, which requires daily medication and seems to hit them hard and at random. (Another reason I am grateful for your blog. It can be hard to understand the mind of someone with this kind of depression, even if you are close to them. I feel like you give me insight into the people in my life.)
And that vulnerability that comes at the cusp of recovery–such a strange feeling.
absolutely. i feel i am straddling two worlds, operating (at last?) as my own therapist (navigator, perhaps a better word) to make sense of what was (and longs to be again) and a more balance mind to come (i hope). the difference between situational depression and chronic long-term stuff i know is written about in most big books on the illness, but i think are not so different. sometimes it’s finding out way out with logic, sometimes distraction. great questions to wrestle with as depression affects so many in so many forms.
Oh yeah, here
http://www.prisonersofourthoughts.com/
thanks. shared!
I sent you a free e-book copy of it someone had once uploaded to the web, check your inbox if you haven’t already. I can no longer find the free ebook of it online, otherwise I would have posted the link directly for you/your followers.
thanks again. i’ll go hunt it down.
oh: and i think the folos are in part due to promises of corn nut and sandwich distribution i make over on my twitter feed. no one has actually foloed up to ask for me to mail them the food stuffs in question, but i make a lot of promises. ;)
I admire your strength during this period. You could try to meditate and do some energy work and chakra cleansing along with the physical one. Have a wonderful day!
meditation has been indispensable through this process, providing a way for many of the most important insights to manifests, i think. that would be a helpful series of posts, but hard to capture the nuance of the process. definitely recommend minimum 10-30 minutes a day.
I definitely agree! Meditation is about balance and not focusing on happiness, love and all the positive feelings. :)
my depression hasn’t allowed me to get back to the longer sitting sessions i had developed, but i got over my ego (and desire to meditate “right”) and now just sit in a chair for 10-minute blocks. great point.
You can try walking meditation too when you are out with your dogs or just laying down with a couple pillows under you. Sitting is not the only position for meditation.
exactly.
i’m glad that you’ve found a way to cope successfully, and i hope everyone suffering from depression learns to take care of themselves and be okay. your blog is well-written and a force for healing
much appreciated.
Reblogged this on amazondmoz.
Thank you